Written May 23,2016
This is a topic I think we all deal with from time to time. As always, so nothing gets twisted, let’s get out the ol’ dictionary. Ok, so I’m actually going to use the internet. Hey don’t laugh. If you have an extremely large dictionary like I do, which you use?
Acceptance – the stage of grief where you experience death, whether from life, a relationship, a job, a dream, etc. It’s the stage of grief when you feel no ill will toward anyone. There are no regrets, sadness or desperation. You have accepted the fact that everything before this moment was to teach you something, to move you forward.
Patience – a person’s ability to wait something out or endure something tedious, without getting angry or upset. It involves acceptance and tolerance(willingness to recognize and respect the beliefs or practices of others; the attitude to allow freedom of choice and behavior
Control – to have the power to run something in an orderly way; discipline in personal and social activities
Unmanageability – the inability to have control over or manipulate one or multiple things in life such as people, places, things, events, thoughts or feelings to name a few
These are just a few words that can describe any of us at any time in our lives, especially when we’re going thru a rough patch. I recently went thru all of the above and probably a few more. To explain this a little better I’ll explain this recent event. Before I do this, let me be clear that I’m not looking for sympathy. I am writing this purely for someone else to see that they’re not alone and the bad moment passes. This is what inspired me to write this…
When I divorced my husband a couple years ago, I left my home I took my beloved cat with me but left 1 of my beloved dogs. While most people would be selfish and take the dog I wasn’t. I left him behind with my ex because of the other dog we had. Those 2 dogs were the best of friends and I couldn’t bear the thought of separating them. The condition of doing this was that I be informed should he need to get rid of either of them or either one became ill.
One day I got the text message I had been dreading. The dog I’d left behind had fallen very ill and was being rushed to the vet. My old(12 or 13yr) pup had bloat which is condition in dogs when the animal’s stomach dilates and then rotates, or twists, around. It’s the 2nd biggest cause of death in dogs next to cancer. I made it very clear that should he need to be put to sleep, that I understood but, I wanted to be there to say one last goodbye to him. We agreed on that and he would informed of the progress.
As I sat at my kitchen table, I felt those icky feelings that no one likes to feel. Fear, anxiety, helplessness, powerlessness… all the opposites to the words above along with remorse, regret and even anger. Those feelings were a direct result of me not being able to control any part of what was going on. The waiting was killing me. Not knowing what was going on and not being there to comfort him by rubbing the bridge of his nose and between his eyes the way he used to like. Luckily, a friend had come over and, unbeknownst to her, she was occupying me and taking my mind off the situation so that I wouldn’t go completely nuts. I was irritable because I had to wait to hear what was going on and even more so when the office closed without letting my ex know what was going on. I admit, patience has never really been one of my strongest assets.
The next morning after not getting any replies to my text messages(which irritated me), I decided to go do a couple errands. I thought about calling the vet and I’d considered going to the vet. I knew they’d talk to me, tell me what was going on and maybe let me see him if he was stable. Heck, I’ve been bringing my pets and my mom’s dog there for a few years. You could say I frequent flyer there. Instead of going to the vet, I decided to try to turn it over to my Higher Power. I let Him know what was in my heart and head and I left it there and went to the store. While on my way to the store I had the feeling that I needed to pull into one of my spots that I like to sit at, so I followed my gut and pulled over.
As I sat there, I got the dreaded message that I didn’t want to see. My old pup had taken a turn for the worst. As my ex was walking out of the office the dog had taken a huge turn for the worse and was suffering. A split second(literally split second) decision was made to put him to sleep right then. There was no time to call and get me there even tho I’d have been there in minutes.
When I got that dreaded text message I felt every negative feeling I mentioned earlier. All of them…you name it I felt it. While I was caught up in the emotions I fired up and sent a less than spiritual message using the “f-bomb” in every sentence, twice in a couple. Immediately after sending that message l wiped my tears and realized it wasn’t my ex’s fault that any of that stuff happened. It happened so quick that even he couldn’t get from the parking lot into the building to be with him.
Suddenly I’d realized it was my Higher Power’s will for me to not see Him. I asked for certain things but His plans were for the best. He knew in my heart I’d said that if my pup was that bad to just take him home so he could be pain free and bouncy again and I’d see him again someday.
He was a very bouncy and excited pup no matter how old he was. He used to bounce all over with excitement when his humans came home. I had feared after not seeing me for quite some time he would be overly excited and cause himself more pain. Plus, even tho I’ve been present for other pets being put to sleep, from what I’d been told about how he was and the way he looked my heart probably would’ve been ripped from my chest. Mind you, all of this is what I realized on my own – no one told me. I am grateful that I was able to realize this.
I’ve been told that the teacher telling the student where to find the information they seek is much more gratifying to the student as opposed to telling what the answer or the information is. Plus the student retains it better. Sometimes the answer we seek is inside of us. Especially when it comes to making decisions about what to do or say. In the end I almost sent another nasty message. Instead I chose to send an apology for my f-bomb message and told him I understood it wasn’t his fault. Turns out this was the better of my choices.