Written March 23, 2017
Living life on life’s terms. Something I first learned when I came into recovery. Basically this means accepting life the way it is, be it fate or our own choices. As a recovering addict this means getting thru all that happens in life(good, bad, ugly, or really befugly) without using a mind altering, mood changing substance. Using typically involves drugs or alcohol but it can even include our behaviors like overeating, gambling, shopping, even smoking cigarettes.
Since I’ve been in recovery, life hasn’t always been a bowl of cherries but I’ve learned that I can get thru these things without using. I’ve even grown from these things. But lately, even after a few 24hrs clean, I find myself wanting to run away, to not feel these feelings or hear my own thoughts of past regrets. I regretfully admit, I’ve entertained thoughts of using – despite the fact that I know that it’d probably kill me, literally.
I was suggested by a friend to post something on social media regarding my current situation. I’m not really one to air my dirty laundry so publicly like that but after meditating on it overnight I changed my mind. I’m doing this for 2 reasons. 1) to show other addicts that they can get thru “stuff” like this and 2) that maybe someone out there has some other idea that I haven’t tried.
I’ll start by explaining my health issues before I go any further. I have an old back injury that never really healed. I also frequently have problems with breathing, weakness, migraines, fatigue and some bizarre issue with my skin that’s caused large lesions on my face. These lesions developed staph and MRSA bacteria and made things worse not just physically but emotionally too. All of this has prevented new from getting gainful employment. I did finally get a job but it’s only 9 hours a week but at least it’s a little money, unfortunately not enough to give my sister any money.
This whole mess started when my husband and I divorced. I moved to my parents house(which I’m part owner) and cared for my mom as long as I could. I regretfully had to force her into a nursing home. Since i did that, my family, especially my sister, has and still do hate me for it. After that I had a roommate who stayed with me for awhile and then left. With this person’s contribution for the bills, I was able to give my sister some money every month to pay the taxes and have a little slush fund in case any major repairs were needed.
I am now faced with potential homelessness because my own family has chosen to evict me. There is no compassion or empathy regarding my health and the need to reduce my stress. I have found a place to move to where I know I’ll be safe but I have no money to pay for it. Unfortunately after a recent fire in our town, there are many people who need to find new homes. I am not a person who asks for help but I am in a bad situation right now. I have swallowed my pride and begun to ask for help. I’ve been told that I make to much money for this program, there’s a waiting list(even tho it’s an emergency) for this program, and no help available from another program. There is one program who will pay for half a month’s rent but not 1st and last month’s rent, security deposit and the months after. On top of that I need a solid plan for the months after for the last one. The two people who can help me won’t because they live in self – self centeredness and self righteousness.
As an addict, even with a few 24hrs clean, I feel like running away. I want to either pack up what I can in my car and leave town or run back to that old familiar feeling I got from getting high. The problem is that I know full well if I do either of those it will not solve my problem. I can’t help but feel anger and resentment because I’m a good person I’ve done the best I could to be a better person than I was yesterday. I also can’t help but feel anger and resentment because I’m a person who’s helped many people when I could yet when I need the help I feel like it’s not there. I truly understand what having no hope and being penniless heels like.
I know I will get thru this somehow, some way, but I don’t know how. Today I just want to live the way I want without stress, worry, drama or chaos and within my means. I don’t want to be rich but safe and comfortable without having to choose to either put gas in my car, pay a bill or put food on the table.