Written April 1, 2017
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserves your love and affection.” ~Buddha
For as long as of can remember I’ve always done just that – looked to love and care for someone other than myself. I never really thought about loving and caring for myself and my needs until the last year or two. How could I help people if I didn’t at least like myself? I did at least like myself for most of my life. It had only been about the last 7 – 10yrs that I actually hated who I was. I didn’t feel like I deserved love.
That all changed the day Doug and I chatted thru the cyber waves. What came next was nothing short of a miracle, tho I didn’t see it this way until he’d Dropped his Robe(passed away). Because of our chatting I began to change the way I thought. I tried to have a positive attitude, almost an attitude of gratitude, when it came to life in general but most days it was to painful. The day I discovered he died changed everything.
In the days and weeks that followed I communicated with Doug’s family, was graciously given a pdf of his writing and permission to continue to share his daily words of experience, strength and hope but on two conditions. I had to add my own words of experience, strength and hope until I felt comfortable enough to do some of my own writing. Also I had to start my own memorial page because posting on his page was to painful for his family. Keep one thing in mind. I was lousy English student in my high school and college years. What happened after has changed my life more than words can say.
When I started this endeavor in March 2015, I was a scared and insecure little girl and I didn’t think had much to say. By the time Christmas came around that year, the page I started had roughly 500 likes, readers all over the world, and lots of positive comments, people who shared our words or “likes”. I’d also begun shared some of my freestyle writing on the page that also had positive feedback. Two years later, the same page has just over 1,000 “likes” and followers, and I’ve shared more of my freestyle writings which led me to start this blog page.
You may be wondering what all of that have to do with loving oneself. As I mentioned earlier, I was never a really good English student all those years ago. I’ve always felt creative but wasn’t super talented in music or art. I was OK, just not the greatest. That coupled with feelings of guilt, shame, and remorse added to the feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness and lack of self acceptance made me go further down that rabbit hole of depression. The positive feedback from everyone gave me the confidence I needed to love myself again. Not just like myself but love myself, but not in a cocky way.
Thanks to the love everyone has given me, I feel love for myself and that love is sent back out again in my writing as well as to others in my own life. It is the love that is given, shared, received and given back out. It continues going from me to you, to my family, to your family, and on, and on and…I think you get my point.
Thought for the day…Believe in yourself. Conquer your fears. Dip your toes in the water to test it if you must, but then just jump in. I assure you, you are not as bad, ugly, or unworthy as you may think you are. Love yourself for all that you are, warts and all.