Written May 10, 2017 “If at anytime you feel like a doormat, put your foot down, pick that shit up, dust it off and put it away. You are beautiful, creative, unique, quirky, crazy, yet soft, caring, kind, loyal, compassionate and passionate. You are every positive adjective in the dictionary and then some. Don’t let anyone, and I mean ANYONE, EVER dull your smile, take away your sunshine or make you lose your sense of wonder. Be the real, authentic you that you can be!!” ~ Me
Boundaries and people pleasing. Something that many people struggle with. Either we want to please everyone and we can’t, or won’t, say no or we don’t give a fig about making others happy and we have no problem saying no. I wrote the above quote one time on social media for someone who was going thru some “stuff”.
Note: “You” stands anyone and no one in particular. This post is not about or pointed at anyone at all. I’m just sharing my experience for anyone who can relate to this.
I used to be the type of person who had a hard time saying no when when’s someone asks me for help. Some people call it pleasing while others say it’s a lack of having boundaries or enforcing the ones you do have. All I know is that if I could help “you” and it made “you” happy then it made me happy. Maybe I learned this in my early years of employment when I was told that the customer is always right. Maybe I learned in my earlier years while growing up. Who knows.
There were times that “you” didn’t acknowledge or appreciate that I helped “you”, what I did for “you”, or what I went thru to help “you”. This made me feel hurt, angry and eventually resentful. I tried to move heaven and earth to help “you” and other people who were struggling. I eventually realized what I was doing was to no avail and I felt used, hurt, stressed and I didn’t want to help anyone anymore. I realized that by helping “you” and feeling that “you” had taken me for granted made me unhappy and unhealthy. Before long I became resentful of “you” for not living up to my expectations. I also resented myself for expecting to much of “you”.
When I was at my lowest I began to look inward for the answers I sought. After a closer introspection of my motives(or reasons), a real, true and honest look, I realized it wasn’t all just to help “you”. It was because I felt worthless and useless inside for much of my life. I just wanted “you” to like and love me. The real question is this, how could “you” like or love me if I didn’t love, let alone like, myself? I had to look deeper and ask myself what I wanted out of life while building up my self esteem.
I never really had to many people in my life telling me it wasn’t my job to take care of everyone. It has taken me some time to just be able to say no. I have also never had anyone tell me to check my true and honest motives for why I did the things I was doing until recent years. Taking a compliment from anyone, like being told I looked good, was met with stuff like, “Oh this old thing? I got it from (enter inexpensive store here)”.
After some time, and some work on myself, I began to realize that I am all the positive words I mentioned above: beautiful, creative, unique, quirky, crazy, yet soft, caring, kind, loyal, compassionate, passionate and every positive adjective in the dictionary. I admit that some days are better than others, but I continue to work on myself. Some days it is definitely a challenge, but it’ll also be better in the long run.
Thought for the day: To change or avoid feeling like this, anger yourself these questions. 1) “Who am I aside from my name, 2) “What(or who) do I want(or not want) in my life today?” and finally 3) “What are the things I am most passionate about? “
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