“There will be times, however, when we really feel like using. We want to run, and we feel lousy. We need to be reminded of where we came from and that it will be worse this time.” ~ Anonymous
“One of the biggest stumbling blocks to recovery seems to be placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves or others. Relationships can be a terribly painful area. We tend to fantasize and project what will happen. We get angry and resentful if our fantasies are not fulfilled. We forget that we are powerless over other people.” ~ Anonymous
(I apologize in advance for the length. This was to important to break up in 2 parts.)
It’s that time of the year again. Time for celebration, giving thanks and spending time with our families. But for those of us with the disease of addiction, this time of year can be very difficult. I know this because I’m a gratefully recovering addict who has had a hard time with the holidays for a couple of years now. The family(by blood and by marriage) that I once enjoyed was lost in part because of my addiction. So, does this give me an excuse to use? My answer for that in a moment.
The disease of addiction is a thinking and feeling disease, more so feeling. The thinking part is when we are conning, manipulating, rationalizing and justifying our ways and means to get and use more. The feelings side of it is a little messier. Let’s face it, feelings are messy for all of us but I think for addicts it’s messier. Why? Because one bad feeling can trigger an addict with 1 day, 1 month, 10 years or more to use again.
If an addict who has some clean comes to me and says they feel like using or someone who has relapsed comes back into recovery or I like to ask them why they want to use or relapsed. Not because I’m nosey but because sometimes when we hear our own voices say the words why we want to use or started using again,we sometimes see just how silly our reasons are. It also reminds me of what not to do. I can’t tell you how many times that I hear “I want to use(or used) because this person said this. That person did this.” I hear every excuse under the sun except “The dog ate my homework”. As amusing as that statement sounds, it’s another reality of this disease.
If you’re not an addict you’re probably thinking, “I feel the same way but I don’t go and get high.” While this is true, I’ll bet you probably do something else to take away or ease the sting of bad feelings. Maybe you buy yourself a treat whether it’s some bobble or trinket at the store or it’s some sweet treat from the bakery. Maybe you take a hot bath or go for a run/walk. We all do something to take away or ease pain that we don’t want to feel. I’ll be the first to admit, brownies from a local store is comfort food to me. But I digress. The point is that no one wants to feel pain and sadness but addicts need to find another outlet other than the thing that kills us daily.
We all have memories of the holidays when we were young. Many of us had dinners with their families, some with both sides of the family. But when we have been addicts for so long or relapsed so many times, our families need to protect their hearts. This is because it’s to painful to watch us kill ourselves one pill, one hit, one shot at a time. Most of the time they don’t hate us. Quite the contrary. They hate what we are doing to ourselves. I want you to try something for just a moment. Put yourself in your family or loved ones shoes. How would you feel if you were your mom, dad, spouse/partner or child watching them do the things go you do? I’m guessing you wouldn’t be feeling to good.
Ok, so, I’ve gone over the very basics of how everyone feels this time of the year, especially when addiction is involved. So what should you, a fellow addict, do to prevent using this time of year? The first thing is to make a commitment to yourself that you won’t use. Be sure you’re doing it for yourself. Doing it for anyone else just sets you up for a relapse because people fail us. It’s inevitable. If you’re staying clean for mom, dad, partner etc and that person fails you in any way, it’ll end up being your excuse to use. I know because I and many others have done that and it didn’t work so well.
Perhaps one of the best things we can do for ourselves is to find and get involved in a self help group. Preferably one where there are other addicts like yourself. I have learned that, “The ultimate weapon for recovery is the recovering addict.” That simply means that since addicts understand how and why we use, we can help each other stay clean. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve called on my fellow addicts to help me not use for that hour or that day. Whether it was my divorce, my sick mother, or a battle with another family member, my fellow addicts have helped me thru each struggle. And I’ve been there for many of them.
Another thing that is a tremendous help is faith in a Power Greater than yourself. I’m not saying a belief in God, Buddha, Allah or any other specific Power. When I first came into recovery, I had a hard time with God because, I thought He abandoned me. I know now this isn’t true but to help me with a Higher Power, one of my predecessors told me a couple of acronyms for God. One of them is Group Of Druggies and the other is Good Orderly Direction.
In my days of rehab, I remember the counselors told me about finding a Higher Power. They told me that a chair or a light bulb could be my Higher Power. While I appreciated their suggestions I questioned how a chair or light bulb would help me stay clean. Oh sure a chair could block my path but I can move it. A Group Of Druggies is my ultimate weapon. If I really want to go use, another addict could talk to me and get me thru that urge to use. Good Orderly Direction refers to Spiritual Principles like Tolerance, Acceptance, Patience, and Brotherly Love to name a couple. If I am trying to live a new life, these Spiritual Principles can guide me thru almost everything.
Another thing that helps me is to play the tape thru. So many times we act on impulse for that instant gratification. We don’t think thru how our actions will affect us or those around us. We know that using will temporarily relieve what ails us but we forget that when we come down from our high that our problems are usually much worse.
Whenever I feel like running away, I remind myself of what would most likely happen. I’d be hanging with an old playmate at an old playground. Next thing you know someone would come around with something that I’d wanna try. Before I know it, I won’t be able to afford my drug of choice so I’d use something different, then in a different form. And when I couldn’t pay for it, I’d be doing things that would make me feel so horrible about myself that I’d purposely overdose and die. I know how I think, so I know how it would go down.
Another thing we don’t understand when we’re deep into addiction is that there’s more to life. We think we’ll be some dead beat junky and nothing good will ever happen to us. Or we think if we stop using life will never be fun anymore. I can’t tell you how wrong you are. I thought that way until I got my head out of my…well, you know. Let me tell you from my own experience that there is much more to life once I stopped using. Here’s a good question for you. Are you happy with how things are in your life when you’re using?
Since I’ve been in recovery, I have been thru a divorce and another relationship after that. I’ve been thru deaths of family, friends, loved ones and addicts I considered family. When my dad fell ill and was in the hospital, I had to tell my mother and sister that I agreed with the doctor when he advised pulling the plug on him. I had to force my mom into a nursing home and lost my blood family because of it. I’ve had financial problems and no food in the house. I’ve been gossiped about and stabbed in the back. And that’s just a snapshot of what I’ve dealt with over the last six years.
As of today, I’ve been able to pay off my car and buy my own home. Yes my car is 8 years old and my home is a fixer upper but they’re both mine. I don’t have to worry about being evicted because of divorce or family problems. I have a part time job and I finally have peace of mind. Yes I still worry about having money to live, but much of my drama and chaos is behind me. Best of all I still have family – a group of friends who will and have dropped everything to help me when I needed it. I also have a best friend who stuck by me thru addiction and all 3 relapses and is there for me when I don’t need her. Right now I can say life is good. Tomorrow may be different but for right now I am in control of my life. I don’t worry about my next high or how I’ll pay for it. Today I know that hard times and bad moments eventually pass.
No, not every day has been difficult nor is it a bowl of cherries. I’ve had times I wanted to say “forget it” and gone back out. But those trying times have taught me many lessons that have given way to lots of blessings for which I am SO grateful. So, to answer my earlier question. Do I have an excuse to use because I won’t be seeing or even hearing from my blood family this Christmas? I sure do, but not a single one of those excuses I have is a good one.
Thought for the day: Despite everything you know about the life of addiction, there is a better way to live. Millions of other addicts like me have found a new way to live. If we can do it, so can you. We believe in you.
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Bella's Thoughts on Life 